I need a whiskey Wednesday

I am ashamed to say tonight I had a major meltdown. I had a moment that felt like strength, but really I just put myself in a place to let someone hurt me. Someone who I have no space for in my life. What used to be there is gone. I would never turn anyone away who asked for my help, no matter what they did to me in the past. But, that is the kind of man I am! It is not a lack of self worth, but a love for mankind that makes my heart prone to being hurt. I tend to love with reckless abandon.

I know, that I am responsible for my actions. Sometimes, it is better to do the right thing in silence! I just know that no matter what, I have to be able to live with me at the end of the day. I don't want to regret the way I treated people. It doesn't matter how they treat me.

I honestly, could never have imagined the response I received. I didn't want, or need a reply.

I was reminded very quickly, how blessed I am to have genuine friends. People who love me, and know my heart. Those are the folks I want to invest my time and energy in. Not the person or persons who walked away!

Those people I still love, but I won't chase, and I will proceed with caution if they ever approach me again. How arrogant are they to think I relish the idea of being in the company of someone who took my fears of being hurt and made them a reality.  How self absorbed must you be?  You think after you hurt me, in literally all of the ways that I shared were my greatest fears, that I would just invite you back into my life!?

I forgive you! But I didn't forget.

My dearest friends, I beseech you. Take inventory of the people in your inner circle. Invest in those who make you a better person! The ones that don't love you for the good bad and ugly, simply don't love you. Love is patient, and kind, and holds no count of wrongs. That last part (Holds no count of wrongs) that is important. Cause only God has the power to judge, everyone else is using a broken ruler to measure you by.

Lastly, when I fell apart, for a moment, I felt the pull of my non coping mechanism. I wanted to pull away from the harsh reality I was enduring. But I resisted running, because I am stronger than that. I am a man of conviction, not weakness. I am not the victim of unkind words. That unnecessary reply, was hatred, directed at me, but not mine to be burdened with. My conscience is clean. My resolve is strong. If you need me to be the man who is safe to direct your anger at, because I pose no threat, and have a kind, and forgiving heart.... Then have at it! I hope one day you can dump all that anger, and rage, and anxiety, and unforgiveness in the trash. You are not require to carry that burden. You chose too be the victim.