Working it out in our sleep.

I hear we work stuff out in our sleep that we can't deal with during the day. I believe that is true.

I am spending so much time working through things right now. I feel like I am basically in counseling 24/7. This isn't a bad thing, but is sometimes emotionally exhausting.

I am working on focusing on finding myself and learning to be happy with that person.

I am also trying to look at my relationship with her objectively, instead of through love sick eyes. A few things I have learned.

1. We were both in denial about how broken and hurt we truly were as individuals
2. I had given up on me, but I thought I could save her.
3. Relationships are hard and you can't fully give yourself to someone if you don't know who that is, or don't like who that is.
4. We projected our fears and hurts on each other.
5. We isolated ourselves from each other and the rest of society. This makes all problems seem bigger and makes resolution almost impossible.
6. I think we both genuinely enjoy talking to each other and hanging out. But that got lost in the day to day because we were both always on the defense.
7. I jumped the gun and tried to fix the outside of me, when fixing the inside was more important and a LOT more work.
8. We both tried to use my gender dysphoria as a scape goat. It consumed me because transition on the outside fixed hardly anything and made everything in society so much harder.
9. I believe that she truly loved me for me. She stopped loving me when my self loathing came to a head. I projected that on her. Not fair, not right. All she did was love and try to support me and I made her regret it, because I was a monster.
10. My gut and my dreams and prayers all say we are meant to be. Ok Cupid says we are 91% compatible. But I can't focus on that.  I don't want the old relationship back. I want a new one with her. One that will last our whole lives. One where we are equal partners who support and love each other. One that isn't consumed by labels or past hurts. I want to be excited about the future. Make plans and make a plan to stay the course.

As I have said many times. Only God can change a heart. I am begging for relief from the heart break and faith that God has a plan that I can neither see or know yet. I pray for strength to grow. I pray for wisdom to discern truth from lies. I know my heart is deceitful above all else and that I must keep my eyes locked on Him and not looking back, or dwelling on unrequited love. My joy is from Him. The maker of heaven and earth.