"How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory" ~ Stuart Townend
Part 1
This Morning at church, we sang "How Deep The Father's Love For Us." I love this song, and this morning we sang in using different pronouns. Austin (The Worship Dude) started the service by saying that we would sing this song using female pronouns, because God does not have a gender, and that the Lord can be both Father and Mother to us.
The belief that God has no gender, is not one I was raised to believe; however God not being binary is a concept one that I personally believe is supported by scripture. Yes, Jesus walked the earth in the form of a man; but if you believe in the Trinity as I do, then you know that the terminology of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is a tool that God used to help us humans with understand His Triality.
Back to the song. The lyrics "How great the pain of searing loss" above stuck a chord with me. As someone who has felt a deep sense of sorrow and mourning in the last few weeks, I immediately became overwhelmed by emotions. While trying to physically recover from surgery, I have experienced deep sorrow and mourning due to a death in the family, changes in my family dynamic, and sensing the finality of losing the one thing that I would cling to on this earth before my transition, that gave me comfort in the chaos of constant self loathing. I have talked about the isolated feeling that transition can bring for a time in a previous Post. But as I have learned in the last few years, grief is cyclical. It comes back around every so often, when we are in a place to take the next step in dealing with that loss.
"Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for
To be overcome by Your presence, Lord"
~Cyril Garrett Neville, Gaynielle H. Neville, Hack Bartholomew, Norman Caesar
Part 2
As the service went on, Julia (who was preaching this Sunday, before she heads off to Duke to get her MDiv) and become a Methodist Pastor. She preached on one of my "Vice Verses" in the words of Switchfoot. 1 Cor 13:4-7. For those of you who don't know, this is the "Love Chapter." It talks about all the things that love is, and isn't. I use this passage to remind myself that true love is treating others the way that you want to be treated, even if they don't treat you the way that you want and deserve to be treated. Julia focused on "Envy", She spoke about the differences between Jealousy and Envy, and explained the "Envy" was the emotion of wanting what you do not have vs. Jealousy is the feeling of possibly losing something you already posses. (Side Notes about Righteous Jealousy were really revealing) One of the triggers for me mourning was a death in the family, that happened simultaneously with the need to remove people whose "Envy" and "Boastfulness" lead me to a place of needing to protect myself from their manipulative version of what they called "Love."
While Julia was talking about "Envy" she said it was a form of not having faith. She said your value and self worth should not be found in things, or what others thing, but in your relationship with God. I know personally that my default for expressing emotions is "anger"; It is not always because I am actually angry, but because I know how to effectively express that emotion. But this last week, I was reminded that my "anger" many times is a lie. It is a lie, because it is not the root emotion. I was convicted that maybe "Envy" is other people's default emotion that they know how to express, but actually it is a lie...
As we sang the words "To Be OverCome by Your Presence Lord" I felt my emotions heighten. I have never been a cryer, but Testosterone makes it almost impossible to cry, even if you feel like you want too cause you need that release. I have noticed, that the one time that isn't true is when in the Holy Spirit is moving and speaking to me. My eyes well up, and maybe no actual tears fall, but in that moment I am expressing what I am honestly feeling. Tears for me is the expression of "overcoming" which as you all know can be good or bad. But when I feel overcome in a bad way, I go t default mode (Anger), but when it is all good, and I feel love, and forgiveness and peace and mercy all wrapped into one... My eyes fill.
''Cowboys don't cry, and heroes don't die
Good always wins, again and again
And love is a sweet dream that always comes true
Oh, if life were like the movies, I'd never be blue
But here in the real world
It's not that easy at all
'Cause when hearts get broken
It's real tears that fall" ~ Mark Irwin, Alan Jackson
Part 3
I grew up in the Texas, which is directionally south, but "Southerners" don't consider us one of them. They think we are just northern Mexico, with the exception of those birkenstock lovin, kombucha making, vegan taco eatin, topo chico drinkin hippies in Austin. However, culturally, we were still in the south, and men don't cry, and women belong in the home, and all those heteronormative, forced gender roles, that are harmful and dangerous to those who are truly not capable of fitting into one of those two perfect masculine or feminine roles. (At first I typed "Rolls", cause I am truly from the south) Any ways, but honestly, I don't have a problem with men who cry. I never have been that person, but I don't judge others, but I do feel very vulnerable when I shed a tear in front of others.
But this morning, I was thinking about it, and that vulnerability isn't something I should worry about, because like the song says "When Hearts Get Broken, It's Real Tears that Fall" and if in that moment my heart is being "Broken" by the God that I truly love, in order to make me a better follower of Him, then why should I care. My self worth and approval should be sought from Him and Him alone.
The Ending
Be self aware!
Be Truthful when expressing your feelings!
Treat Others the Way you want to be treated!
Seek your worth and value from God and no one else!
Always Remember when it means to "Love One Another"!
No comments:
Post a Comment