Looking Back

Around this time last year, my world felt like it was falling down around me. I was completely shut out from the woman I have loved for years. I was being harassed at my job. My family has all but disowned me. Plus my hormones levels were all over the place. I was really in a bad spot.

Here I am today. Good job. Good friends. Family is coming around. Slowly but surely. I am about to have top surgery. Things are decent.

I am still alone. Some days I feel like I will never find someone, other days I am hopeful.

I have dreamed about my ex a lot lately. I have put in the work to deal with the stuff that happened while we were together. But no matter what she did or said or whatever.... I still love her regardless. I know we cannot be together. I know she is broken and I am a safe person to direct her pain at. In spite of all that I think in some way I will always love her. I value her as a person and am aware of all her flaws. I love her unconditionally. If she ever reached out I would be available to her. My heart is connected to hers in a weird way. I feel her pain even when she isn't around and we don't talk. I feel her anger and rage for the things that have been done to her that no one should have to endure.

I wish I could tell her. She wouldn't listen. In her book I am another horrible person who didn't do right by her. I know in my heart I could not make her happy. She was too broken and unable to change and get the help she needed.

I think in the back of her mind she felt like I was better off without her... I for sure has to find myself alone. But it has changed the fact that my heart is connected with hers and that I get sad when I think about her. I wish I could make things better for her. For now all I can do is keep praying for her. I pray she finds peace and calm and forgiveness.  Above all else I want her to be happy and at peace. I let her go cause I knew I couldn't make her happy. Once the new was over, I was not enough for her.

I am enough. But only God can heal wounds that run that deep!