Being raised in a conservative southern Baptist home, I spent a
lot of my life, feeling condemned by my belief system.
I remember one time that this
was glaringly obvious. It was about 3 years before I came out as Transgender. I
was miserable in my own skin. I was sad, and lonely, and barely holding it
together. At the time, I was serving as one of the worship leaders at a small-town
Baptist church. The David Crowder song "How He Loves" was popular at
the time. I could barely sing the words "Heaven meets earth like an
unforeseen kiss, and my hear turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have
time to maintain these regrets when I think about... He way, that He Love
us" Let me tell you, my regrets were many. I hated feeling like I was
stuck as a girl, and condemned to a life alone because my brain, and body
didn't line up. I could not let anyone get close, or they might find out my
secret and then what!?!
Back to my glaringly obvious
moment. I had an idea for a Sunday evening service. It was kind of a two-part
service. The first service, was a time of confession, and reflection, and
repentance (Fancy Church word, that means to "About Face" or
"Turn the other way from the wrong road you have been on") As I
planned the two services I started writing down thoughts and quotes from old
dead dudes of the faith. I put together a set list, and divided out the
readings and prayer times. We did the first service and it was intense. I was
extremely emotional, and vulnerable feeling. My ability to hold it together was
about shot. I don't know how I made it this far in life being so alone and
tormented by the idea that "Being Myself" was a condemning and
"Sinful" thought? I was a mess. Visibly so to the congregation.
The next week comes, and this
service was all about "Joy" and "Forgiveness, and Freedom and
Redemption." As much as I tried to put together a service with the
same energy, and genuineness I struggled. How to you celebrate something, that
doesn't exist in your own life? I didn't know what "Joy" looked like.
Moments of happiness in my life, where always overshadowed by the stress of
everyone seeing me as I was forced to present (Female), and not as the man I
have always been on the inside. However, I planned this service just like the
last one, except, I found that I struggled to come up with content. I didn't
have words to say about "joy and freedom" In fact, I was resentful of
those concepts, as they had never been a part of my life in the way that I saw
other people experience them. The last service I planned, ran over a little. It
was almost an hour and a half, but this service on the other hand was a quick
25-30 minutes. It moved quick!
Afterword’s, a congregation
member approached me. She asked with a smile "How come the service on Joy
and Freedom was so short, and the other service was 3x as long? We should have
way more to talk about, and sing about and pray about during this service"
I smiled politely, and mumbled something like "I know right!" and
then kept moving (tearing down sound stuff).
I knew she was right! There
should have been way more material on Joy and Freedom that pain and regret, but
I was not the guy who had experience in that realm. The words of that member
bothered me for a few weeks. I couldn't shake it. I felt so stuck. Stuck in my
own head, stuck in this body that was always in constant battle with my brain.
I was alone, and warn out from hiding, and playing like I was a female church
leader. UGH, it was awful and I was not sure how much longer I was going to
make it.
Shortly after those services,
my fight or flight impulse kicked in once again, and I walked away from the
church, and that ministry. I was sick of my gender being highlighted as part of
what I could, and could not do in church ministry. All I was doing at this
point in my life was "Maintaining Regrets"
My life, moving forward for the
next year after leaving the church was a spiral down into a deep dark hole. At
the bottom of a whiskey bottle, I sat with my buddy "Drunk Cowboy"
and drank away the pain. I have talked about how him and I staying up late at
night, trying to find some peace in our souls. We would talk about regrets,
talk about how badly we wanted to be loved, and how we were afraid we were both
too damaged to ever find anyone who could understand what we had been through
and love us anyways.
Moving forward to present day.
I am in a good place. I love who I am, and I love that people can see me as I
have always seen me. I don't feel like driving into busy intersections, or
think about how much easier it would be to disappear, that to have to continue
living this life.
I feel at Peace with My Maker.
I am not a mistake, He set me on this journey, and has a plan for my life. My
soul feels peace with being honest about my gender identity. My belief system
encourages me through my transition. The scriptures give me hope, and help me.
I see that Jesus was misunderstood much like me, and He was not in the habit of
going around condemning people. In fact, He was the guy who was saying stuff
like "He who is without sin, cast the first stone"
Whew I know this was a long
post, but I hope it helps someone else who is on their journey. Hope and pray
you find joy and freedom.
No comments:
Post a Comment