Monday July 13, 2015. I will never forget that day. It was a Monday that flowed a very emotional weekend. I had learned the word "Transgender" several weeks before. I had spent almost a month reading everything I could find about what it meant to be Transgender. I watched a ton of documentaries. My girlfriend at the time also was reading and watching all the stuff she could find.
I was struggling with being labeled as a "Lesbian"
Yes I was madly in love with a girl, but I didn't identify with the female body that I was assigned at birth.
This was very apparent to my girlfriend, who had identified as a androgynous lesbian since age 13.
Back for that Monday. After many tears over the weekend, and actually admitting out loud that I felt like a man stuck in a female body... My alarm went off like it did every Monday.
I started to get ready for work. The first part of my routine of getting ready (Since age 13) was to brush my teeth and shave my face. I have always had low estrogen and higher than normal testosterone levels for a female.
That morning I stood there staring into the mirror.... It was as if time stood still.
She walked in and asked "Babe what's wrong" I replied "I wonder what would happen if I just didn't shave. Like could I grown a beard?" She replied "You have to decide if you are ready to take this step. You can't just grow a beard. You will have to tell people. I mean if you don't want to shave don't, but it is a bigger decision you are making and you won't have much time once you stop shaving"
I quickly replied "I will figure it out. I am not shaving anymore"
Ahhhhh the freedom and fear I felt that day was insane. Within 5 days all of that changed.
In just t days I had a full blown gotee. I mean looking back it wasn't that impressive, but it was a shock to everyone around me. My mom cried. My dad got mad at me cause I did something to make my mom cry. My sister's who I have been close with my whole life were suddenly not in my corner anymore. My brother just stopped went radio silent.
In honesty, I had hoped that my family who has always felt I was miserable and sad could see I made a change because I couldn't be a sad miserable man stuck in a female body. I didn't think it would come as much of a surprise as it did. My mom's response was "You've only been this way since you were 2" I mean before age two I was basically a blob of tiny human dough.
I hate that this caused my family to reject me but I also knew that I was not stopping or turning back. I knew I had to transition. It made me feel alive to be seen as masculine. Pronouns and the ability to use the ladies room changed in 5 days. What sucked about that is that the world saw me as male very quickly, but my friends and family had known me differently for 30 years. I faut for my pronouns. When I chose a new name I fair for that too. My work at the start of my transition was super supportive and so kind. I can't thank them enough for their kindness and for being my family and not just my co workers and bosses.
Here I sit. A year and a half later. I am now single. I have a great job where no one knows I'm trans. I am just Asher the male supervisor. I will come out in time. Just trying to avoid discrimination at this time.
I love my life. I am happy and healthier than I have ever been living as a male. I don't drink to forget. I don't cry myself to sleep. I don't think about driving my truck into a busy intersection anymore. I don't have to be loud and funny to deflect from the fact that I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I do engage in real conversations. I am vulnerable and honest about my feelings. I am more confident. I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
There are so many things I could tell you on this day, but the main message I want to extend is that "Transgender people are humans like anyone else. We need love and support. We are not mentally ill, we are not sexual perverts, we are not a new fad. We are people who are trying to live our lives as the most authentic and honest version of ourselves. Our gender expression is not a choice and is not subject to change on a whim. Love people not parts and judge not."
Love always
Asher
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