Who I've been wasn't me

I already wrote a long post. Then my phone closed it out and. It's gone.

In all my ramblings I have talked about how my faith influenced my decision to transition in a positive way...

I came to a crossroads and I believe that I am both fully loved and fully forgiven, and that God created me to be the man I am today. I believe the bible references references gender neutrality and gender duality and paints a pretty amazing picture of gender as a spectrum.

I came from a denomination of church that had very strong gender roles built into all aspects of the church. Being as closeted Transman in ministry I really struggled with this. I hated evey women's retreat, every ladies brunch, girls night out, or worse yet the gender devided bible studies on sex and marriage. I didn't hate these events because of the women I was with. Crap in most cases everyone targeted me as someone to try to reach out too because I clearly didn't fit it. I hated these events because I felt out of place. Like I was crashing an event I didn't belong at. It made me mad. Made me bitter and it made me feel dirty.

The only saving grace was the times when I was leading worship. Never before has Galations 3:28 been so real to me.

As I played guitar and sang from my heart

²⁸ There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

If ever I wanted something to be true it was that verse. I was miserable in the wrong body. My brain responded like a male and yet the world kept trying to shove me in this "female" role. It was exhausting. Half the time I was lost and confused. Women's brains work totally different from male brains. On top of that girls multitask better and forget nothing. I can remember sitting in conversations with women talking. I tried to follow and join in but just when I thought I know what was going on and thought of something to say, the conversation had changed to something completely different.  I got really good at entertaining. At least if I was entertaining the conversation wouldn't be out of my reach. But that is tiring also.

I m so glad I am able to be fully me. There are a lot of stresses and I miss having a church body and leading worship. But I am working through so much of my broken theology and I know God will lead me to where He wants me when the time is right.