Trying to Learn a New Way!

Last year, was so many first for me. First relationship. First Love. First time to Live with someone. First time to consider marriage and forever. So many wonderful things. I felt like my life was coming together. I felt like that with the love of my life by my side, anything was possible.

Yesterday as I watched her move out... I felt that part of me slipping away. No, it's not gone forever. I just need to find my strength in the Lord, and remember that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

I have been clinging to the verse that says "It is for freedom He set us Free" through the first days of my transition, I desperately relied on that verse.

Looking back, I also relied too heavy on her to hold me up. It was wrong! She can barely hold herself up, and she couldn't possibly hold me too. I wanted so bad to hold her up when we got together. But my struggle with my Gender identity came to a head, and when it did, I collapsed under years of repressed feelings and hurt.

I didn't mean too get into a relationship and fall apart. Much to her credit, I trusted her with my inner most hurt and feelings, because she loved me. I don't regret extending trust, but I do regret being such a mess that I made her feel like she was drowning, trying to hold us together. No relationship should ever be one sided. It should be a partnership. I didn't meet her emotional needs, and worse yet, I drained her of what she had and then some.

I'm sorry to post about my sad relationship woes. Honestly, I just feel like owning my downfalls and getting them into the open is what I have to do to move forward.

I'm not perfect! I am for sure no saint! Brave is what I want to be, but to be honest i feel like a wimp most days.

But now, I'm trying to learn a new way!  I'm being an authentic me, I am leaning to be a friend. Leaning to be strong and confident and kind. Trying to learn how to be me and not be a door mat, but still put others needs before my own, because I have a strength that comes from the Truth & Power of the grace of God. I am a work in progress!