To little too late

Today I've thought a lot about being afraid! Particularly being afraid that someone you love dearly is going to just up and leave you.
If I'm being brutally honest I will say I have a huge fear of being abandoned and heart broke.

For a long time I had a bad habit of thinking I saw the expiration date coming up on a relationship... So I would load up the proverbial bridge with dynamite, hand the other person the matches and walk away as it all went up in smoke.

I learned one coping skill. Anger trumps pain became my motto. I could be in control and be mad instead of hurt. Then it all changed!

It's a long story but there is a year of my life that's mostly missing. Due to a misdiagnosis, I got put on a lot of heavy drugs that messed me up really bad. I became paranoid and unpredictable to say the least. I was a insane person. When I came out of the haze I had to access what was left of my relationships.... The short answer is, I had none left.

Given what I had been through I had no idea who I was anymore. That was back in 2011

Fast forward to 2015. The year of huge self discoveries! I came out 3 times! I was in a romantic relationship for the first time. The sad thing is... I wasted so much of that relationship being terrified she was going to leave me. You could say it emotionally crippled me in some ways. Each time conflict would arise I was sure that it was the end. So instead of living in the present and dealing with the issues... I got hurt! I got upset! I got stubborn! I got scared!

Looking back I see so many missed opportunities to show her how much I cared and how much I loved her and always wanted to be by her side, but instead, I hid. I acted angry and childish in hopes that my anger would once again carry me through to the other side without the pain of feeling abandoned. But really and truly, she's gone because she still believes I don't understand her.

I made a list today! Not just a mental list, but an actual physical list of things I could have done that were easy that could have at least given my relationship a fighting chance. It is amazing how fear can literally immobilize us emotionally. My counselor tried to warn me. My girlfriend said "I'm still right here" but I couldn't find my way out of my head enough to even give her a clue I understood. If I had done just one thing to show her I could change, show her I understood her concerns for our relationship. If I had literally made any effort at all that wasn't out of self defense and preservation.... I feel so bad because I literally pushed her so far away that she can't even fathom that I could be close like we once were ever again.

She wants me to let go, but that's what I was doing wrong all along. But for now... Holding on, is too little, and  too late.