The first year is the hardest!

They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest! I am told the same is true about transition.

I am for sure coming to terms with that fact that sometimes our struggles are the consequences of our poor choices, and sometimes our struggles are the product of us doing the right thing.

It isn't easy you know!?! Here I am, trying to live out the most honest version of myself, and yet... Many days, I struggle to not feel alone and defeated for being truthful about who I really am.

Last Saturday night, I went out with a group of people for a friends birthday. I guess I should preface this by saying, that I am currently experiencing extreme tyranny at work for my gender identity. Any ways! I was actually looking forward to getting out of the house, and just being at a place with a bunch of people, and taking a breather from the stresses of life. (2016 is kinda kicking my bum)

So there I sit! Hanging out, having a good time... When all hell breaks lose. Long story short, I was outed by an old friend, who meant harm. The nature of the situation is not even the point of my story.

Trans people have to deal with so much! NO wonder the suicide rate is so high among transgender youths. Between the conflict going on with your brain and your body, the anxiety of public restrooms, and the fear of being outed; not to mention the actual possibility of becoming the victim of a hate crime or discrimination... Some days, it is crushing!

I am just trying to be me! Feel normal! Gender Dysphoria is painful! It's painful not to be in a place to transition. If you are lucky enough to be allowed to transition, you get to add a whole bunch of extra anxiety, because society is cruel, and mean towards those they don't understand. Sure Hormone Replacement Therapy helps, but that comes with it's own struggles, with healthcare cost. Ignorant physicians, and  many insurance exclude anything in relation to this recognized mental illness. You can go ahead, and add onto all of that, the fact that in transition, you lose relationships with family and people you thought were friends. And I will address in a separate post the struggles of Spirituality, reconciling your faith and the damaging conflict between the LGBT community and the church.

I really do believe that it's true that "God won't give you more than you can handle" and He must think I am a BA to the MAX. Cause I am feeling about tapped out!

I want to do what is right. I want to be a difference maker. I want to love and be loved for who I am, and who I believe God created me to be.

A few years back, I started writing this song called "The Real Me" and I was lucky enough to be able to finish this song as a co-write with Amy Mccoy. At the time, I was under the influence (doctor prescribed. Long story, wrong diagnosis) Any ways, I was completely unable to hide or repress feelings in any ways. There is a line in the song "I'm scared to death you'll leave, if I'm not what you wanted me to be. So for now here is all you can see of the real me" If ever there was a more honest expression of my life, this song would be it. I will record and post a link to the song sometime soon.